Users Guide: Soldier

Congratulations and thank you for the decision to marry one of our soldiers.

You may have elected to take a Private (with a starter pack of Basic Training and Good Prospects), or you may have opted for the top of the range Warrant Officer Class 1 (with High Power, and Command Decision Making). We here at the Ministry of Defence (Army) are confident that if you follow our User’s Guide, you will enjoy many years with your soldier.

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*MODEL RANGE:

Private

Lance Corporal or Corporal

Sergeant or Staff Sergeant

Warrant Officer

Commissioned Officer—being developed at our state of the art facility; the Military Academy.

*For details on models, please observe who gives or accepts the most crap.

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ACCESSORIES:

Married Quarters, Extended Military Family, Military Community, Social Life, Comrades, Pride, and Heartbreak.

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SPECIFICATIONS:

Height, Weight, Colour, Body Mass and Parentage are individually preset criteria. In standard models, the only variable component after acceptance by a partner is Weight. This will be directly affected by Partner Maintenance (Please see separate booklet—Keeping Your Soldier and Keeping Him Happy).

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DEFAULT SETTINGS:

Smart, Obedient, Courageous, Confident, Loyal, Hygienic, Physically Fit, and Proud.

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RANDOM SETTINGS: (See Optional Extras)

Emotion, Fuel Consumption, Anger Management, Patience, Trust, and Libido*.

*(This may increase in direct response to a period of separation—be prepared).

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QUALITY CONTROL:

Our soldiers are regularly tested for endurance and reliability. Notwithstanding this process, we do not accept responsibility for the condition of your soldier once he has been accepted into your life.

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TROUBLESHOOTING:

1. In the first instance, please deal directly with your soldier.

2. Consult friends who have had a soldier for a longer period than you.

3. Consult the Families Liaison Officer or one of the lists of agencies in the booklet—(What To Do When It All Goes Pear-shaped)

4. If in desperate circumstances, consult the Regimental Padre.

5. If having followed the guidelines above you feel you have completely lost the plot with your soldier we suggest you consult a Marriage Guidance Counsellor.

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TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF USE:

GENERAL

The Army reserves the right to confiscate, imprison, mentally, verbally and physically abuse your soldier within the law, whenever it deems fit to produce a sufficiently high performance. The organisation (henceforth known as ‘The Army’), may require sending your soldier into life-threatening situations, or on extreme and extensive training exercises at short notice.

Our objective is when your soldier terminates his service for his country with The Army, he is still capable of continuing his life in a new, less arduous role. Albeit as a tosser civilian, usually referred to as an ex-Serviceman.

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SERVICE AND SUPPORT:

In the unfortunate circumstance that your soldier is damaged, we will affect repairs at a local Medical Centre or Dental Centre. If required your soldier will be transported to a specialist repair facility at a Military Hospital.

We will do our utmost to repair your soldier and return him to you in full working condition.

While we strive to maintain our soldiers in the best possible condition, it is regretted that occasionally a soldier may be damaged beyond repair. Should this heart-breaking situation arise, please be assured of our continued support.

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DISCLAIMER:

Please accept our assurance that your soldier volunteered to be processed from basic civilian material to soldier. He was not enticed, cajoled, blackmailed, threatened, press-ganged, conscripted, or otherwise compelled to undergo military training.

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NB. In the interests of pacifying those of the politically correct brigade, the term ‘he’ has been used throughout this document, although the Descriptions, Terms and Conditions apply equally to those of the female gender.

General Nuisance

Paper Pusher

ARMY HEADQUARTERS

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Taken from A Time for Courage: and other military stories